Our adventures with infertility and adoption

2011-03-26T16:33:00.001-07:00

So I haven't posted on here forever, mostly because we have gone through a lot in the past few years and have had to put adoption on hold for a while. We may be getting back into to it all soon, but that is the latest update for now; we are still here and we still heart adoption!

2009-09-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

I found this on a blog from an amazing lady named Melody Ross. This post is so amazing and spoke to my heart, especially while going through all this adoption confusion and other things that have gone on lately in my life. Here is just a part of it, to read the whole post, go to http://melodyross.typepad.com/my_weblog/2009/01/you-will-fly-again.html.

"I met my darling friend Lula some time last year....a beautiful, tiny woman with small hands and kind eyes and long white hair. When she looked at me the first time I felt like she looked right through my skin and saw everything I ever felt. After we talked for a few minutes...and I thought I was getting away with the surface conversation we were having...she took my hands and said "you feel like you have been fired from everything you thought you knew, with no explanation, don't you?" My mouth fell opened, so stunned....I had never had anyone put my feelings into exactly the right words...but she did it.
Then...she looked at me deeply, and softly squeezed my hands. We were sitting knees to knees....she made sure I was really paying attention, waited for a few more big tears to fall and she said..."Melody, You will fly again...I promise."

I then went on to tell her about the dreams I was having and the way I was feeling and the books I was reading and how everything just pointed to broken wings.....wings that felt like they could never heal or mend.....that my best years were over.......and...how devastating that was. How permanent it felt.

I told her how I'd always been a huge proponent of PICK YOURSELF UP, DUST YOURSELF OFF and START ALL OVER AGAIN. I told her this time it was different. I couldn't do it....I felt broken and I didn't know how to ever feel whole again...

I told her that I read books about how to find your passion, how to 'fly'....I read books about how to find out who you are and what you want to do with your life...
But.......they only made things worse. You see, I told her...I KNOW how to fly. I have flown before...I used to fly fly fly day and night. I don't need anyone else to show me how to fly or how to find my wings......my wings are broken....what do you do when your wings are broken...

Well, it hurts. It doesn't make sense...I think that's one of the hardest parts....that, one day you feel like you could conquer the world and soar to the highest heights...one day you feel like you are riding the wind, letting the current take you away.....everything flows....you have a bird's eye view of life....
and then, something happens....and it doesn't matter why you feel like you lost your wings or that they are broken past repair....doesn't matter...it all hurts the same....and lots of times it leaves you to crash to the ground in a botched emergency landing.

There's one truth that ties it all together, though.......that you WILL fly again....you will.
We humans, we fly with our hearts. All we need is hope, and faith....when we lose that, that's what puts us under the tree, flightless.....watching everyone else and wondering what happened. I know it's hard to find hope and it's hard to find faith when we feel like the whole world just got swept out from under us.....when we feel like we are too full of holes to be anything but empty. But, I promise...you can fly again, and you will...

AND YOU WERE MEANT TO SOAR."

The Weaver

2009-07-28T11:25:00.000-07:00

Today as I was feeling discouraged (yes I know, once again) about the whole adoption process I remembered a poem that my mom gave me right after we found out we couldn't have children and I was having a particularly hard day. I hadn't read it in a while and don't know why because it always makes me feel just a little bit better.

The Weaver

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me,
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.

Oftimes He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I, the underside.

Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

- Author Unknown

Overwhelmed

2009-06-23T09:05:00.001-07:00

It's been a long time since I posted on here and that is mostly because I have just been discouraged. I feel like I have been dragging my feet on getting everything done for this adoption and mostly that is because even though it is totally worth it in the end, I think back on all we had to go through with Zachary's adoption and I just feel overwhelmed with going through all of it again. It's just such a roller coaster and I am so afraid of being picked and then having the birthmother change her mind, or having birth father issues again like we did with Zachary or any of the number of other things that can go wrong. Then in the midst of it all I have three siblings that are pregnant right now and I am happy for them, but it is still hard on me. I do feel good about this adoption agency though because before we even had any paperwork done they had already called us about two potential matches, so that's a good sign I think. Even though I am nervous, I am also so excited to adopt again, because I am so ready for another baby. I was holding my brother's 8 month old the other day while he drank his bottle and he is just so sweet and was staring up at me with his cute little eyes and I just thought "Man I want another one so bad!" So, here's hoping that we will get some good news soon and I can get over being so overwhelmed.

Finding our dream(s)

2009-03-31T23:08:00.000-07:00

I have a quote on our family blog that reads:

"Sometimes on the way to a dream, you get lost and find a better one."

I love this quote for so many reasons, the main one being that it describes how I feel about adoption and our journey to find our sweet little boy.

It helps remind me when things get tough or when I am feeling stressed or down with going through another adoption, that for the longest time I thought I would get pregnant and have children like so many others, and that was always my dream, and even though adoption was and is a hard road, it is not one that I would trade for the world.

Every day and I do mean EVERY day, I look at my boy and marvel at the miracle of having him in my life. He is more than a dream come true and I am so grateful for the blessing of adoption and for a selfless birthmother that would give up her most precious gift so that we can have a family.

I just wanted to share that quote because things don't always go as we have planned and sometimes that is hard to accept, but if you just keep you heart open, you just might find that on the way to your dream, you got lost and found a better one, I know I did.

I Would Die For That

2009-02-26T14:22:00.001-08:00

I found this on a friend's blog, love this song and video.

Don't tell me that I have it easy!

2009-02-20T14:23:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm sorry but I am going to go on a soapbox for a minute, so bear with me if you will.

When someone finds out that our son is adopted, most people have nothing but positive, uplifting things to say, but every once in a while we get a comment such as "Oh, so you got kids the easy way," or "be thankful that you didn't have to go through pregnancy, I wish someone would just give me a kid."
While, I'm sure these people are just trying to say what they think will comfort you, these types of comments make me so angry and leave me wanting to say, "Don't tell me I have it easier than you," and here is why,

-Do you think it's easy to try to keep it together as you sit in a doctor's office and he tells you that you will not be able to bear children?

-Do you think it is easy to sit around and watch so many people get pregnant and have babies when that is what you want most in the world but can't have.

-Do you think it is easy to listen to your sisters or sisters-in-law talk about being pregnant, giving birth, etc, and feel like an outcast because you have not gone through those experiences and somehow it makes you feel like less of a woman and like you don't belong to their "group?"

-Do you think it is easy to decide to adopt, and then spend months trying to decide which agency is right for you and sorting through all the information that is out there on adoption?

-Do you think it's easy to have to have a social worker delve into your personal life to tell you if you are or are not fit to be parents, but at the same time watch all kinds of people who definitely aren't fit and don't care for their children to become parents, no questions asked?

-Once you decided to have kids, did you have to wait for someone else to decide to give you one and feel like everyone else was making decisions about your life but you?

-Did you have to pay over $25,000 for your baby?

-When you took your baby home from the hospital, did you have to wonder whether you were going to be able to keep them, or if someone would come and take them away?

-Did you have to deal with a crazy birthfather who threatened to take away your child for the whole first year of his life and wonder if this precious baby that you had grown to love so much was going to be taken out of your life?

So, no, please don't tell me that I had it easy!!

A few thoughts

2009-02-20T14:18:00.000-08:00

I hesitated to start this blog because I am usually a pretty private person when it comes to my deepest feelings about this subject, mostly because it makes me so emotional; but after reading blogs of friends who are going through similiar experiences, I have decided that it really helps to have people in your life who are going through similiar things, that you feel like you can vent to on the days when things get really bad. So, while I'm not exactly sure what I will be putting on this blog, I'd like to try it out and maybe I can help someone who is having a hard time feel a little bit better.